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Yo Mama Jokes?

Wesley — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:54:16 +0000

your moms like a big mac…full of fat and worth 1 dollar
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, No Professionals.”
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, “What a treasure!” and her father said, “Yes, let’s go bury it.”
Yo momma so ugly they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.
Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow.
Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly they filmed, “Gorillas in the Mist,” in her shower.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say ,”Damn, is it Halloween already?”
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.
Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours…for a quote!
Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won’t talk to her!
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo momma so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma so ugly that when she cries the tears run down the back of her head because they’re afraid of her face!!
Yo momma so ugly that her face will make a freight train take a dirt road!
Yo momma so ugly the NHL banned her for life.
Yo momma so ugly, she walked into taco bell and they all ran for the border!
Yo momma so ugly people go ask her for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, “STOP THAT TWINKIE!! ”
Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!!
Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, “HEY, KOOL-AID!”
Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator!
Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell!
Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.
Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
Yo momma so fat that when God said, “Let there be light,” he told her to move her fat ole *** over!
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat she’s got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, “To be continued.”
Yo momma so fat her nickname is, “DAY-UM!”
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat we’re in her right now.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her…
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, “Free Willy!”
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, “Okay!”
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, “Taxi!”
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo momma so fat I’ve known her all my life … and I still haven’t seen ALL of her!
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, “Caution! Wide Turn.”
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, “One at a time, please.”
Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo momma so fat she’s got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen!
Yo momma so fat God couldn’t light Earth till she moved!
Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
Yo momma so fat she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk – white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the *****’s good side!
Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God’s bowling ball!
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips!
Yo momma so fat her belly button’s got an echo.
Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearin tights!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu.
Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips!
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo momma so fat when the ***** goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat that she can’t tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD’s and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip ‘n Slide.
Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona — class Battleship.
Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth.
Yo momma so fat to her, “light food,” means under 4 Tons!
Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!
Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!
Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.
Yo momma so fat she won, “Miss Bessie the Cow 94.”
Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA – FatAss Jeans.
Yo momma so stupid, she studied for a drug test!
Yo momma so stupid, she thought, “Wu Tang” was an African orange drink!
Yo momma so stupid she hears it’s chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put, “O.K.”
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
Yo momma so stupid she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was, “Illegitiment” because she couldn’t read.
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo momma so stupid she asked you, “What is the number for 911?”
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, “Sex?” she marked, “M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.”
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma so stupid that under, “Education,” on her job application, she put, “Hooked on Phonics.”
Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo momma so stupid she watches, “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can’t remember her birthday.
Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.
Yo momma so stupid that she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo momma so stupid, she couldn’t read an audio book.
Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
Yo momma so stupid she stands up on an empty bus.
Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hourr virus.
Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
Yo momma so stupid she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper .
Yo momma so stupid she went to Disney World and saw a sign that said “Disney World – Left” so she went home.
Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said, “Guess” so she said, “Levi’s.”
Yo momma so old, she has Jesus’ beeper number!
Yo momma so old, her social security number is 1!
Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma!
Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch!
Yo momma so old that when she was in school, there was no history class.
Yo momma so old, she owes Jesus 3 bucks!
Yo momma so old she’s in Jesus’s yearbook!
Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo momma so old when she reads the bible she reminisces.
Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, “Li’l Mary will never amount to anything”.
Yo momma so old she was Jesus Wet Nurse.
Yo momma so old shes blind from the big bang.
Yo momma so old even God calls her mother!
Yo momma so poor, she bounces food stamps!!
Yo momma so poor, she can’t afford to live in a two story Cheerio box!
Yo momma so poor she can’t afford to pay attention!
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald’s and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money.
Yo Momma so poor she can’t afford the o or the r.
Yo Momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said, “Moving.”
Yo Momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people’s fingers!
Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, “DING!”
Yo Momma so poor her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo Momma is so poor when she heard about the last supper she thought she had ran out of food stamps.
Yo Momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, “What ya doin’?” She said, “Buying luggage.”
Yo Momma so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo Momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo Momma so poor she does drive by shootings on the bus.
Yo Momma so poor you put RoundUp on the weeds and she said, “There goes breakfast, lunch, and dinner!”
Yo Momma so poor you asked her where the facilities were, and she said, “Pick a corner, any corner.”
Yo Momma so poor I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet!
Do you know the story about the little old woman that lives in a shoe? Well, Yo mama so poor she live in a flip flop!
Yo momma like a shot gun, two cocks and she blows!
Yo momma like Domino’s pizza — Something for nothing.
Yo momma like spoiled milk, fat and chunky!
Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
Yo momma like a bowling ball: She’s picked up, fingered, and thrown in the gutter.
Yo momma like a Toyota: “Oh what a feelin’!”
Yo momma like Orange Crush: “Good Vibrations!”
Yo momma like a hockey team…changes her pads every three periods!
Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
Yo momma is like a racing car…chick burned four rubbers in one night.
Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size.
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, she spits butter!
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, I can’t believe its not butter.

What Are Some Props Kramer Uses In Seinfeld? I’m Being Kramer For Halloween And I Need Help!!!?

Wesley — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:45:10 +0000

Any ideas on what other props I can use or other ideas? So far I am wearing a cheap tacky jacket, with short khakis and golf shoes, with a wig and cigar and golf club. What else could I do?

Preppy Is Not Abercrombie&fitch, Hollister, Etc.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…

Wesley — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:39:45 +0000

Why do people say that preppy is Abercrombie, Hollister, Aeropostale, and American Eagle?
I’m a prep and I feel offended. All of the preps that I know wear Sperrys, khaki pants, polo shirts, ribbon belts, chino shorts, North Face jackets, etc. They shop at J Crew, Ralph Lauren, Lacoste, Vineyard Vines, Brooks Brothers, etc. They go to Preparatory Schools, where they wear navy blazers with an academic symbol, khaki pants, and dressy shoes.
But now people say that preppy is all this cheap crap from Abercrombie and Hollister? Why do people misunderstand the groups?
Preps are the ones that go to rich boarding schools, own fancy cars, shop at Ralph Lauren and Lacoste, wear Sperrys, and play Lacrosse, tennis, golf, Polo, and horseback riding.
What’s the deal with Abercrombie and Hollister now?

Frugal Wedding Tips- Can You Cut This Budget For Me?

Wesley — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 15:52:26 +0000

Okaaay!
I have the following left to pay for for the wedding that is September 6th.
DJ- $200
Minister-$200
Marriage license- $100
Bridal party gifts (4 of them) $150
candy buffet (instead of favours) $150
groomsmen golfing morning of wedding- $100
wedding bands- $300
clothing for our kids to wear to wedding- $125
rehersal dinner night before for close family/friends- $250
Hair/makeup- $100
thank you cards for after wedding & shower- $40
Rest of the catering bill- $400 (parents are paying other $3000)
I am thinking about skipping getting my hair & makeup done and doing it myself. I am buying basic blank cards from a craft store and stamping my own thank you cards. We have a contract with the DJ otherwise we would just use a laptop for music… but we can’t now.
We’re not handing out favours, but having a candy buffet. Buying candy in bulk, putting it in bowls and stamping white paper bags with our wedding colours and design.
how can I cut down on bridal party gift costs? I paid for their dresses. I am really trying to keep their gifts at around $100, not the budgeted $150… was thinking about framing a nice picture of me with each of the girls and giving them as gifts, along with a mini spa kit (bath bombs, lotions, scrubs, etc).
I just bought the dress for my daughter on clearance for $19- now my son needs khakis, a white golf shirt, and both kids need shoes.
Was thinking about how to spend less on the rings- a brushed white gold/titanium/silver band for hubby, and a white gold band for myself. Where is the cheapest we can get them? Online is fine, as long as they will arrive on time.
I also need to buy the following–
tea lights
spool of raffia
white paper bags
placecards & bulletin board for place cards
mini plant pots with greenery in them
tulle
green and chocolate brown ribbon
some fake green button mums or something similar
a big wreath form to make a wreath with the flowers
any ways i can cut down these costs even more? I only have like $2000 TOPS for the rest of this! And what is the ettiquette on tipping the caterer/minister/dj?
Thanks!

Survey:: How Would You React?

Wesley — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:44:11 +0000

I’m a little creeped out by it:
Hello Super Sexy Elbows Grimey,
You have received a message from another user!
From: Do it on the golf course!
Subject: oh! Frank!
Message: It’ me! Edna Krabappel!
Take your cape and tie me up you stud muffin!
I want to ride you bareback and have you scream my name and hit me with your bow tie the whole time!
Stomp your cheap flat shoes and drive it home baby!
You can do it! come on sugar!!!!!!!
AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dam, I need a cigarette.

Albert And His ‘tart’…..?

Wesley — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:41:12 +0000

Albert brought home the old nag from the pub this evening and expected me to cook them dinner. This ‘woman’ works behind the bar and has a face like it’s gone on fire and been put out with a golf shoe. I served up some bangers & mash for us all, and she had the cheek to say it was lumpy. I suggested she was a crude vulgarian and a row broke out. She thought i’d accused her of being Bulgarian. I then called her deaf and she got angry and broke my flaps. The cat can’t get in or out now as a result. Albert sneaked off down the pub while her and i were screaming at each other. How dare he bring her home and expect me to cook for her. I told her that her cheap perfume stank, and she poked me in the teeth with a false nail. I threw her out and told her never to come back and now i have indigestion because of all this carry-on. What can i do? Thanks

What Are Some Props Kramer Uses In Seinfeld? I’m Being Kramer For Halloween And I Need Help!!!?

Wesley — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:39:35 +0000

Any ideas on what other props I can use or other ideas? So far I am wearing a cheap tacky jacket, with short khakis and golf shoes, with a wig and cigar and golf club. What else could I do?

Can You Golf In Soccer Cleats Or Turf Shoes, Not The Ones With Metal Spikes, But Hard Rubber Instead? I Am…?

Wesley — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:24:48 +0000

..too cheap to spend 50 or more bucks on a real pair of golf shoes, since I only golf 1-2 times a year, but the soccer cleats they sell at Wal Mart look like they’ve got good bite to them, and they’re $20.

What’s A Good Brand Of Golf Shoes For Someone Who Is Just Starting Out?

Wesley — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:16:20 +0000

Nothing to expensive but something I could use maybe once a month. I know sometimes you get what you pay for so I don’t want to be too cheap. Thanks.

What Is The Importance Of Golf Shoes?

Wesley — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:30:47 +0000

I have been thinking about buying new shoes, and I’ve been playing for almost a year now. Just wanted to know why its so important, if its a necessity in playing golf, and what shoe brands are cheap and worth buying. Thanks!